Daddy, We Got to Talk

 dedicated to Bapak, a silent man with crowded mind 

The first memory appears to me was when you took me jog around grandpa house, because you loved to jog and did some exercises

When you and Mom taught to speak krama inggil which was a big challenge

When I report to you after two boys were nakal to me

I watched you when you shave your mustache, it looks cool and imagine I had one

Then you held my hand when I learn using toilet for the first time

Then you had never been perfectly put a spoon into my mouth

Then you took me to the bed when I pretended to sleep, just because I was too lazy to get up

Then you used to read me stories when I went to bed and I believed every story was real

Then you took me biking in the morning to watch the sunrise and ayam kalkun

Then you prepared the powder and minyak kayu putih to me after bath before I went to school

 Then you used to cook me an instant noodles when mom’s not home and it has never been perfect as how mom always does, so I don’t like what you made or otherwise you just made telor dadar

Then you used to take me to school by yourself even when I said I will ride a bus

Then I would hug you really tight when the thunder came

Then I would go into you when I got mad at Mom

Then you used to clean my ear with cotton buds and baby oil

Then one day my ear was torn by big knife bekas potong sapi pas Idul Adha 1996 and you were so panic

Then one day I heard Mom said you don’t like mouse&scared of it, but not to snake

Then when something lost but you would always find it, I believe you had a magic hand

Then one day when I was 10 years old I want another brother/sister

Then when I asked you about math problem and you solved it I was like “you are so smart!”

And one day I entered Junior High School, you and Mom were both there, and I thought why had it to be both of you

That was until 14^th years old of me. After that, what I remember is our interaction getting lesser..

Otherwise..there’s something happened like

When I ate breakfast too long so I was late to school

When you caught me texting with boy I like from school

When I shouted at you because you shouted at me

When I made my brother or sister cried and you’d be saying “jangan nakal!”

Or…you need my help like, “Please take that cable”..or “Hammer…”

And for the rest of the day, we just talked when it’s necessary, because you hardly joke

And when you came to school for my graduation and we took a picture

Remember that?

Then when I entered high school, you let me ride bike from mbah alm. or took me there with you

You never talked much though

Also when you didn’t talk to me at all and hate it when a boy came to our house (mom told me)

But I caught your love letters to Mom made in 1988

When I started to know some problems occurring around, and I saw how people respect you, you talked very structurally, very neat and you solved problems

That is so cool and I wanted to learn how

But still, you always need Mom's advice of how to match your attires and her help for cleaning the room that full your clothes

Days gone and it’s getting more quiet between us, and when disagreement happened, Ibu said we had the same “weton” that’s why we always disagree to each other, very often, and end up with cold war between us.

Until one day I had to leave far away for a while..I barely cried, I hugged everybody but you...finally I hugged you and said “I will change”

I wasn’t sure if you cried but you wiped your eyes, no, I have never seen you cried, so no, you didn’t cry.

One night thousands miles away from you I miss you so badly I didn’t know why, my host family caught me crying in my room and they hugged me, and I told them about you

10 months later I came back and you gave me a green room as I wished, but I choose another because my eyes get watery to watched the light green

Then when I had to struggle for SNMPTN, in the midnight I found you watched TV for action movies, you always prefer them to football matches

And one day is pengumuman SNMPTN, when only you, me, Ganjar, were at home

I wasn’t even ready to see the computer, but you read it for me, I passed and I hugged you really tight like I used to when the thunder came

And the time came when I had to leave home for college,

One day I wanted to go home but I only got ticket to Purwokerto, but you picked me up there, started to go at 2am to reach Purwokerto at 4am

Even when I was kebablasan to Kutoarjo, you picked me up there

Then one day you went home and no soup for you as your  favorites diet, I didn’t cook for you I was sorry (saying that in my mind)

All of that was without any talks

I always speak to you inside when I am with you, because I don’t feel like to talk directly

I grew. I started to realize what you meant in the last 10 years.

I just want to remind you of those things as our memories

Now I understand why you came to my Junior High School, because you wanted to watch your first child went  to the next level.

Why you shouted at me when I didn’t behave well.

Why you asked me for helps.

Why you left in the morning, came home, went again and got back in the midnight, because you want to earn trust in your occupation.

Why you jogged when you're young, exactly to be healthy and always fit, but look now! Your tummy got a bit buncit!

After those silent moment...

I think we got to start some light conversations again, hey I haven’t heard how you meet mom, how you struggled for school and career, how you enter a stage of life, how you become a dad, how you have that magic hand, how you handled a stressing me and how you solved little and big troubles.

I have to learn something from you, maybe not now but I know you are thinking about it.

Because you have a crowded mind. A mind that care about those people and villages, fulfill your passion of interacting with people. A mind that listen to what your children want, although you will just stay silent.  A mind that keep thinking how to make everything fine.

But again, we got to talk about something someday, when the time comes :)

thunder hug,

Putik

at least :)